The effects that addicted parents and relatives have on children

I help with the effects that addicted parents (substance use disorder) and relatives have on children in my clinic. That is both addicted and alcoholic parents to stop the addiction and alcohol use and their offspring who are struggling with what happens later in life.

As a clinical hypnotherapist (AHA), psychotherapist, mental health professional (PACFA) and family therapist, I see those long-term devastating effects on both the offspring and the family unit.

At the time of addiction or alcoholic problems adults don’t understand the damage their using of those substances is doing. You have lost perspective and cannot see the bigger picture of being a member of a family.

As the offspring you may carry the effects of your parents’ behaviour into your adulthood with you that causes, anxiety, depression, and feelings of insecurity. That may even include a greater susceptibility to addiction yourself. (1)

Addicted parents

Let’s be clear drugs and alcohol reduces your ability to make well balanced rational decisions. Constant use of either or both severely damages your brain. (2) (3)

You, as an addict, are often rarely able to comprehend the extent of the damage that your addiction has on your children. Addiction to drugs and alcohol is as much a social problem as it is a personal one.

Your addictive behaviours do not just affect yourself and your partner, but also any children that you may be closely involved with. This can include contact with children who are relatives or close family and friends.

Families are social networks and the actions of each adult member of the family influences the whole family.

The solution for parents

The first solution for parents is always get help from health professionals or your pastor, Rabi or Iman or spiritual leader. They have an outside perspective and can see the situation more clearly than you.

When you are in the middle of alcoholism or addiction you cannot see what is really happening because your vision is clouded by your substance use.

You need professional help to stop the addiction and begin to act like a responsible parent. You also need help to learn to be a good parent.

Don’t wait – put it off – or make excuses.

Children have no defense against the damage of your addictive behaviour, they are victim of the behaviour. It’s up to you to make the first move to solve the problem as it’s your behaviour.

As health professionals we’re here to help but you must be the one to reach out and ask for help. (4)

 

 

My Partner is the problem

You may be in a relationship with an addicted person, and you have children together. You’re at a loss what to do because the alcoholic or addict won’t get help.

There can be complex dynamics within such a family in that you may rely on your partner for finances and a home, so leaving them seems difficult. (5)

To keep the family together you may even make excuses for their behaviour, but when you do that, you are facilitating the behaviour. Or you may tell yourself it doesn’t really affect your children, but it does. You need to get support from relatives or friends to help to get the person with the dysfunctional behavioural patten to address their addiction.

Ultimately if the partner won’t address their behaviour you may have to consider leaving them to protect the children from being damaged.

Remember as a parent your first duty is to your children not your partner. If you are not doing you are complicit to the addiction.

Both parents are addicted

When both parents are addicted, it is a disaster for the child. It means they have no stable clear thinking supportive parent. They are in danger because their parents are not making rational decisions and protecting them.

What also can happen is that they themselves may have to take on the parenting roll for both of you. In short, their childhood is stollen by your addiction. (6)

Children need to play, have friends, learn to negotiate social networks. It’s all part of growing up and rehearsal for becoming an adult.

Your addiction can lead to the child growing to have attachment issues in that they find it difficult to bond with partners. They can have an underlying distrust of others being competent or trustworthy.

 

 

When young children are involved

A child never forgets anything. Your relationships as an addict with the child are stored away in their minds for the rest of their lives.

Effects such as witnessing violence, out-of-control behaviour, depression, absence, or negative mindsets can affect the child’s sense of self and ability to have a stable personality for the rest of their lives.

Children copy adults’ behaviour. This is known as modelling. Research shows that if children are exposed to addictive behaviours, addiction can become normalised in their minds.

This is the same for emotional dysregulation. As an addict you don’t have control over your emotions. Your children will also model this behaviour, particularly at an early age and it can damage them for life leading to mental illness. (7)

Adult children of alcoholics and addicts

All alcoholics and addicts have unstable personalities, even those you partake in the addiction secretly. Children miss nothing. When you think they are not watching or listening they are, because they are naturally scanning their environment for danger.

Children can detect changes of body and face language, changes in voice tone and moods in adults. They can even unconsciously detect the changes of smell in adults when they are emotionally disgusted.

As an adult child of an alcoholic or drug addict, you have all these memories filled away in your conscious mind. Those memories and experiences influence your experiences in the present day.

Since you lived in an unstable and dangerous environment as a child you may have shut down and dissociated as aform of self-protection. This can mean that in adulthood you may be unable to recognise many communications in others. (8)

You may experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), depression, anxiety, and inability to trust or have good relationships with others.

 

Children need good examples of how to perform loving, intimate relationships

To humans’ beings love is as important to us as food or water. Evidence shows us that people who can love and allow themselves to be loved, have less illness, recover from illness faster, live longer and seem to have more rewarding lives.

Within a relationship love is largely expressed by respectful behaviour towards each other, which an active alcoholic or addict is unable to do.

One of the fundamental premises of having a happy life is for a child to develop the ability to have independent, motivated behaviours.

If you were not taught these as a child, it is possible for you to learn them in therapy as an adult. (9)

Moving on from the effects that addicted parents and relatives have on children

Addiction and alcoholism are devastating to all involved as it affects everyone involved around that person.

It is possible for you as an alcoholic or addict to move on to become clean and sober, continue and rebuild your life. Only you are the one that can initiate that process.

As an adult child of substances user, you can, with the right help, build your life, learning the foundations of good living that you might not have enjoyed as child.

Sometime families can come back together and all move on and start to operate as a respectful family. This may not be possible in all cases as the damage may be too great.

However, each person in the family can try to mend bridges when everyone is prepared to make the effort.

Dr Tracie O’Keefe DCH, BHSc, ND is a clinical hypnotherapist, psychotherapist, family therapist and PACFA registered mental health professional. You can visit her in the clinic or connect by Zoom from anywhere in the world. Tel 0403 398 808

References

(1) Lander, L., Howsare, J., & Byrne, M. (2013). The impact of substance use disorders on families and children: From theory to practice. Social Work in Public Health, 28(3-4), 194–205. https://doi.org/10.1080/19371918.2013.759005

(2) Daviet, R., Aydogan, G., Jagannathan, K., Spilka, N., Koellinger, P. D., Kranzler, H. R., Nave, G., & Wetherill, R. R. (2022). Associations between alcohol consumption and gray and white matter volumes in the UK Biobank. Nature Communications, 13, Article 1175. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41467-022-28735-5

(3) Seale, G. S. (2020). Substance misuse and acquired brain injury. Psychiatric Times. https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/substance-misuse-and-acquired-brain-injury

(4) Kunyk, D., Inness, M., Reisdorfer, E., Morris, H., & Chambers, T. (2016). Help seeking by health professionals for addiction: A mixed studies review. International Journal of Nursing Studies, 60, 170–181. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijnurstu.2016.01.008

(5) Ariss, T., & Fairbairn, C. E. (2020). The effect of significant-other involvement in treatment for substance use disorders: A meta-analysis. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 88(8), 745–760. https://doi.org/10.1037/ccp0000488

(6) Dariotis, J. K., Chen, F. R., Park, Y. R., Nowak, M. K., French, K. M., & Codamon, A. M. (2023). Parentification vulnerability, reactivity, resilience, and thriving: A mixed methods systematic literature review. Journal of Adolescence, 97, 1–15. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2023.03.012

(7) Seddon, J. A., Abdel-Baki, R., Feige, S., & Thomassin, K. (2020). The cascade effect of parent dysfunction: An emotion socialization transmission framework. Frontiers in Psychology, 11, Article 579519. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.579519

(8) Bérubé, A., Turgeon, J., Blais, C., & Fiset, D. (2022). Emotion recognition in adults with a history of childhood maltreatment: A systematic review. Frontiers in Psychology, 13, Article 966028. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.966028

(9) Zeigler-Hill, V. (2023). Title of the article. Multidisciplinary Digital Publishing Institute (MDPI), 5(3), Article 24. https://doi.org/10.3390/psych5030024