I help people who experience relationship problems in child abuse victims as a hypnotherapist (AHA), psychotherapist (PACFA) and family therapist.
You may even qualify for health fund rebates in some cases. But you really need to think what another break-up is going to cost you financially and emotionally.
You may be ringing me in distress because, yet another relationship is not working out for you, and you don’t know what to do.
The first thing I want to say to you is that it’s not your fault. I you were abused as a child you didn’t get a good roadmap on how to do relationships.
Early learning about relationships
As children we copy the adults around us. They provide a templet on how to behave and what good life boundaries are. That’s what we should and shouldn’t do and it can even differ by gender. (1)
If the adults around us don’t provide good, respectful, loving models of how to have wholesome relations, we don’t get those lessons. So, when we start to have relationships as adults, we keep making the same mistakes repeatedly.
It may even be that you were bullied as a child by other children therefore you developed a lack of trust in others.
Therefore, you do relationships from a place of fear because you retain beliefs that other people can be dangerous. This leads to anger, resentment and acting out when the smallest thing happens.
How others see you
You may get into a relationship with a very nice well-behaved person; but your continual acting out can lead them to the conclusion that you might be too unstable to stay with. They see you as being unable to form attachments with them. (2)
That acting out can take many forms like complaining, winning, shouting, blaming, attacking others, intolerance and even feeling sorry for yourself.
To others and a partner, it can be exhausting dealing with your lack of self-control. They become depressed and disillusioned about having a future with you.
If you have children that has a negative effect on the children too. They inherit the trauma of the abuse you suffered by proxy through your unruly behavior.
Choosing partners
No partner wants to be the other person’s parent or nanny. As balanced adults we look for equal partnerships.
You may not, however, know how to choose a balanced adult as a partner. You might unconsciously be looking for someone to rescue you or someone else with bad behavior because you think that’s normal.
You get into a relationship with people before you know anything about them. Then when you aren’t suited, you retraumatise yourself all over again.
To form a good, wholesome respectful relationship, you have to change who you are and what you’re doing. It’s that simple. You must learn how to choose and have a good relationship. (3)
What is a good relationship?
This of course is culturally bound. What may be a good relationship for me mightn’t be the same for you.
There are, however, some basic universal rules that can apply. (4)
- Be respectful and caring towards one another.
- Remember the relationship isn’t all about you and pay attention to the other person’s needs as well.
- Built trust between you and work on that trust every day.
- Chose kindness over being continually right because we all think we are right when sometimes we aren’t.
- Focus on a having positive rewarding relationship for both of you.
- Make time to have fun together as life is too short to be serious all the time and good times together form good bonds.
How can I change?
You need to get outside help. When you are suffering trauma due to child abuse, you’re often unable to see the big picture.
Talking things through with a therapist, spiritual leader or older, wiser family member can help you get a better perspective on life. (5)
You need to learn not to be reactionary but instead mindful about your thoughts, actions and interactions with others.
Since you might not have grown up learning to do this it’s time to learn to change your behaviours.
How hard is it to change?
It’s not hard at all to change. It requires you to take the time and make the effort to think and act differently. Not slightly differently but considerably different.
You need to learn to be a better communicator. Think before you speak, no act before you think.
You also must deal with your childhood trauma to put it to rest. You can either live in the past or constructively create your life today as a good experience.
Having good relationships is highly rewarding but it’s not what happens to you but what you make happen.
How can hypnotherapy work?
Hypnosis can effectively help reduce your reactionary behaviour. During hypnotherapy we can teach you to lower the actions of the amygdala, which is a part of the brain that is involved with panic, fear and anxiety.
Also, we can help program your unconscious mind to behave differently so you are acting mindfully and not reacting.
Using hypnotherapy to overcome trauma is profoundly effective because you can process it without the level of discomfort you normally experience.
And finally, hypnosis can be a very pleasant and comfortable experience as we program your mind to be positive and use the skills that enable you to have stable, balanced and rewarding relationship.
Dr Tracie O’Keefe DCH, BHSc, ND is an individual, couples and family therapist. You can consult in the office or by Zoom from anywhere in the world. Call our central booking for your FREE telephone consultation with Dr Tracie O’Keefe DCH. Phone 0403 398 808.
References
(1) Schoeppe, S., Rebar, A. L., Short, C. E., & Alley, S. (2017). The influence of parental modelling on children’s physical activity and screen time: Does it differ by gender? European Journal of Public Health, 27(1), 152-157. https://doi.org/10.1093/eurpub/ckw182
(2) Rapoza, K. A., & Baker, R. M. (2024). The role of attachment, insecurity, and stress in partner maltreatment: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 38(4), 742-758. https://doi.org/10.1037/fam0000968
(3) Fletcher, G. J. O., & Simpson, J. A. (2014). How do people choose their intimate partners? The Ideal Standards Model in Romantic Relationships – some answers and questions. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 107(3), 412-431. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/272178106
(4) Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Creating good relationships: Responsiveness, relationship quality, and interpersonal goals. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 87(2), 183-192. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.87.2.183
(5) Dorahy, M. J., & Middleton, W. (2017). Treating adult survivors of childhood emotional abuse and neglect: A new framework. Psychotherapy, 54(3), 209-214. https://doi.org/10.1037/pst0000115
