How to deal with difficult relatives

So, you want to know how to deal with difficult relatives?

Well, that really depends on the circumstances and the person or persons you’re dealing with. There’s no one-size solution that fits all but there are some basic guidelines you can implement.

There’s an old saying: “You can choose your friends but not your relatives.” That may have some truth but not entirely because as you grow up you generally get to make whatever choices you want.

Remember it’s your life and your decisions. Even if you’re disabled and depend on others, there are choices you can make about how you interact with others (1).

Stay calm and be diplomatic

Emotions tend to rise very high when there are difficult situations in families (2). People become upset and say hurtful things they can’t take back but will probably regret on reflection.

Stay calm and don’t unnecessarily confront someone in front of others to embarrass them and try to force them to change. A dispute may have simply been a misunderstanding or miscommunication. We all say the wrong things at times.

Choose a quiet moment to ask the person if you can have a private, calm discussion with them about something that’s bothering you.

Tell them what’s bothering you and ask if they understand where you’re coming from. Either one of you could have misunderstood a communication so classification of a situation is necessary.

Try not to be right and them wrong

People may be experiencing all sorts of difficulties that you might not even know about, even your closet relatives. They may be afraid to disclose them for fear of judgment or being manipulated. Some family conflict is even normal (3).

There were things that happened in my own mother’s past, before I was born, that I’ve never really been able to find out about, which affected her behaviours.

The other person may be experiencing physical and mental problems that cause them to behave badly, rudely, and aggressively toward others.

Their difficult behaviour may not be about you at all and you were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time, and they lashed out at you.

Work towards a mutual solution

Say what you want calmly, ask them to listen to what you say without interruption. This means that each person feels heard – that also means children’s voices (4). Don’t speak over each other and don’t try to score points as it’s not a battle.

When you argue, no one wins as there are no winners in war because people become damaged and there are casualties.

If you feel you’re unable to have the conversation with the person, ask a friendly, reliable, calm relative to be present and help both of you speak.

If the person is doing something you don’t like or hurts you, ask them to stop doing that and give your reasons. Remember, you’re trying to take a solution-focused approach.

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Don’t carry a grudge

We all make terrible mistakes in our lives, no matter who we are because we’re human. We do things we regret, don’t do things we should, do things we are proud of, do things we’d never want anyone to know about, because we are human. Holding a grudge damages you emotionally (5).

If you accept an apology, then let the matter go. You’ve accepted the apology so have no right to keep bringing the matter up as ammunition to be right in the future. This would be petty and combative.

Don’t go around telling everyone who’ll listen that the other person made a mistake. This would be martyrdom syndrome.

Remember to treat others as you’d want to be treated.

Dealing with repeat offenders

Some people are unable to accept responsibility for their own behaviours. They’re perhaps unable to recognise their mistakes and aggressive or bullying behaviours.

Your first duty is to make yourself safe. Physically move yourself from the repeat offender. Ask for help from others if you need support.

Make it very clear that behaviour is not acceptable at any place or at any time. This is called creating clear, understandable boundaries that keep you and others safe.

If the situation becomes violent, aggressive, threatening, discriminatory, over-controlling or abusive, take legal advice (6). You can even take the advice of a health professional to help you deal with the situation.

When the behaviour is repetitively abusive

As I said earlier, you don’t get to choose your blood family. You do, however, get to choose how much contact you have with your family as an adult. Even if you’re a younger person, you can get help to make that decision from community leaders or health professionals.

If someone is continually abusive you have a human right to remove yourself from their presence. You may decide to have no contact with them whatsoever or limited contact; and you do have a right to do that to keep yourself safe.

While some families are very supportive and loving (7), others can be destructive, toxic, and combative. There can be group abusive behaviour and you may end up a victim.

Surround yourself with kind and good people in your life. You know who they are because they lift you up when you’re down, and are encouraging, supportive and loving towards you.

Is family reunification possible?

People get themselves in mindsets, behaviours, situations and lies that they find themselves unable to handle. They think that things won’t change, and they may even be embarrassed about what’s happened.

However, in reality circumstances and people often change with time. Maybe they or you made terrible mistakes and didn’t know how to fix things. Change is unstoppable and sometimes people realise their mistakes and reinvent themselves.

If you think that’s the case with a difficult or estranged relative, you or they may reach out and ask for contact. Take it slowly and gently and carefully monitor the situation.

Use a family mediator or third-party negotiator to break the ice and test the ground (8). They are impartial and aren’t caught up in the old fear and emotions of your past relationship with the other person.

Families function well

When everyone takes responsibility to make family life a good experience for all, families can work well.

Settle disputes as fast as you can and move on. Be supportive of others and expect them to be supportive of you. Sometimes you need to give people time, space, and help to get back to a good place.

If your family of origin is highly or constantly toxic, then create your own family of choice: People you feel and know are good to be around and kind.

As you grow older it’s not so much about the family of origin you came from, but the family you create for yourself and others in your life.

As much as you possibly can, be positive in creating well-being and love in that family (9). Get professional help when you need it to make resolution more effective and easier.

Dr Tracie O’Keefe DCH, BHSc, ND is a clinical psychotherapist, clinical hypnotherapist, counsellor, and family therapist and PACFA registered mental health professional. You can consult her in the Sydney clinic or by Zoom from anywhere in the world. Call 0403 398 808.

 

References

(1) Casey, H., Trayer, A., & Coffer, L. (2023, July 12). Experiences and perceptions of everyday decision-making in the lives of adults with intellectual disabilities, their care partners and direct care support workers. Sage Journals. https://doi.org/10.1177/17446295231189020

(2) Morris, A., Silk, J., Steinberg, L., Myers, S., Robinson, L. (2007, May 1). The Role of the family context in the development of emotion regulation. Soc Dev., 16(2): 361–388. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2743505/

(3) Saxbe, D. E., Rodriguez, A. J., & Margolin, G. (2013). Understanding conflict in families: Theoretical frameworks and future directions. Handbook of family theories: A content-based approach. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2013-00425-010

(4) Stafford, L., Harkin, J., Rolfe, A., Burton, J., & Morley, C. (2021). Why having a voice is important to children who are involved in family support services. Child Abuse & Neglect, 115. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chiabu.2021.104987

(5) Neckel, S. (2023, January 19). Grudge: the emotional side of resentment. Bristol University Press Digital, 5(2). https://doi.org/10.1332/263169021X16704197265552

(6) Felson, R., Messner, S., Hoskin, A., & Deane, G. (2006, March 7). Reasons for reporting and not reporting domestic violence to the police. Criminology, 40(3): 617-648. https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/j.1745-9125.2002.tb00968.x

(7) Thomas, P., Liu, H., & Umberson, D. (2017). Family relationships and well-being. Innov Aging, 1(3): igx025. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5954612/

(8) Cleak, H., Schofield, M., & Bickerdike, A. (2014, January 21). Efficacy of family mediation and the role of family violence: Study protocol. BMC Public Health, 14(57). https://bmcpublichealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/1471-2458-14-57

(9) Gabb, J. (2009). Researching Family Relationships: A Qualitative Mixed Methods Approach. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/42800270_Researching_Family_Relationships_A_Qualitative_Mixed_Methods_Approach