I help couples with divorce counselling as a couples and family counsellor and registered mental health professional (PACFA).
In 2022, 2.2 couples per 1000 in Australia got divorced (1). That was up from 1.9 in 2020. In the USA it was around 2.4 per 1000 in 2022 (2).
These figures do not consider all those people who just live together, never marry and do not have children. This also does not take into account people who are gay and sex and/or gender diverse who set up home and then separate.
What are the divorce counselling requirements?
If you’ve been married for less than two years in Australia, the government requires you to attend divorce couples counselling before applying for a divorce (3). Both parties must attend, and this does not have to be in person and can be done by Zoom.
The government does not want to see newly married couples applying for divorces before they have had a chance to learn to resolve their disputes. After two years there are no legal requirements.
People get married with stars in their eyes and the first two years are referred to as the honeymoon period. After that is a lot of work trying to get the marriage to go well, maintain that and, if desired, create a family.
People don’t stay together just because they once said, ‘I love you’. Though you get together there is always a need to work on the actual relationship itself.
What if we don’t get on together?
Often young couples don’t know how to communicate well with each other. There can be lots of misunderstandings because you think the other person should understand what you know and what you want.
Frequently I see couples arguing because they have no idea how to speak or communicate in a way that the other person might understand. Just because you speak the same language does not mean you communicate the same way.
You may have become so caught up in the excitement of getting married you didn’t have any premarital counselling so what you expected turned out to be different from what you got.
Divorce costs a lot of money and when you approach it from a place of anger, the only person that generally wins is the lawyer who can take most of your money in fees.
What if I really want to get divorced?
For some couples sometimes things don’t work out. It’s just a fact of life and when that happens there should be no shame or guilt about the relationship not succeeding.
What is important, however, is to separate in the most civilised and safe way for everyone involved. That way you are free to carry on with your lives.
Again, the key to this is learning to communicate in effective and respectful ways. And putting down the guidelines and boundaries around what happens.
This is particularly important when children are involved because they do suffer if there is great disharmony and acrimony between you (4). Angry parents create unhappy children.
Is there any hope for our relationship?
What I tell couples is you must bring all your willingness to create resolution in the counselling sessions. You can’t come halfhearted or do half the work because that only produces half the result.
This also depends on the circumstances. If there has been violence or abuse, one partner may be very clear in their mind that it is the end of the relationship.
If it’s a case that you are arguing about everyday things then it’s truly a matter of not being able to communicate well or understand the basic codes of communication. These things I can teach you.
Sometimes it’s because you might not get on with members of each other’s family, so again, I can teach you both how to handle that situation.
What I teach you is love is not enough because it’s the way you treat each other that creates a good marriage or relationship.
We are separating and need help
It’s your choice whether you stay together or not, and I don’t in any way try to influence that decision. My job is to help you, in these circumstances, to get things to run as smoothly as possible.
It’s probably very emotional for you, which is perfectly understandable because things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them. The thing is though when emotions come in the window, often clear thinking goes out the door.
What really helps is having someone who is not involved, such as a counsellor, helping you see things more clearly so the separation is the easiest it can be for both of you.
I will help you plan so each of you knows what you need to do so that you are prepared to make the separation go better.
Co-parenting needs
Your children need to be the winners in any kind of separation because their needs have to be a priority. They mightn’t be able to work out what is happening, but they do feel the adjustment, and often feel sad without telling you.
Children do suffer when there are marital difficulties. It is important to minimise that as much as possible. It’s important to consider and make a plan how best to support them.
You might think they’re not watching, hearing and are unaware of what is happening, but their young minds are taking note of everything. So, it is important to assume a separation is affecting them adversely.
Both parents and extended family have an opportunity to help the children adjust and prosper.
What if we want to try again?
If you want to try and resolve your differences, if that’s at all possible, that’s ok too. But there has to be changes and you both need to be part of that process, and I can offer you couples counselling.
Book your appointment for divorce counselling with Dr Tracie O’Keefe DCH by calling 0403 398 808.
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