Couples learning to communicate

Couples learning to communicate is one of the most important skills of a long-term happy relationship. The funny thing about language is that most people think they are good at saying what they mean. When couples come to my office arguing, each thinks they are making themselves clear, but they are not.

Miscommunication is the number one reason for separation and divorce.

The body talks. Body language tells you things the mouth cannot, or the conscious mind does not yet know. So. if you are not aware of your and your partner’s body language, you are missing 60% of a communication.

You are emotionally invested in your point of view. The problem is that the more extreme your emotions, the less clear you become and the less you listen to another person.

Extreme emotions change the voice pitch and volume, and your communication may come across as aggressive or demeaning, when all you wanted to do is make yourself understood. At that stage the other just stops listening to you.

In respectfully communicating with your spouse, you need to contain those emotions, monitor how your voice sounds, and modulate it to create better communication.

Don’t spew your emotions all over your partner because you’re upset. You will overwhelm them. They may not even have anything to do with your over-emotional state so don’t use them as a punching bag for your emotional issues.

The structure of language works at different levels. What you meant to say inside your mind (root language) doesn’t always come out the same. In fact, it can come out meaning something completely different.

What you say (surface language) may mean something completely different to your partner. That can mean you cause offence with careless language when you might not have intended to.

The time to say something for you might not be the time when the other person is receptive. So, you really have to think carefully when you can have a good communication when both parties are receptive.

Using accusatory language starts a war between all parties. It’s called blaming and is highly destructive to the relationship. Avoid phrases like, “You did this to me”, “It was your fault” or You’re not trustworthy”.

There are places to communicate when you are having a discussion. Equally there are places where it is not appropriate to discuss a contentious issue, like at Auntie Eddie’s funeral.

Take the time to practise active listening where you stop and pay attention to what your partner is saying. If you try and communicate when you are going to an appointment in different directions, the likelihood of miscommunication is high.

Or course, there are many more techniques for being a good communicator within your relationship. However, most people don’t take the time to learn them. Even when the relationship is on the rocks some people will swear there is no need to be a better communicator.

It takes all the people in the relationship to want to fix miscommunication issues to improve the quality of the relationship. Nevertheless, change needs to begin with you, accepting there is a problem, being willing to put your ego to one side and getting help to be a better communicator.

If you spend money on televisions, houses, cars, holidays and smart handbags, remember that none of them will fix a broken relationship.

It’s what you say and how you say it that determines whether your partner will listen to you or not and the quality of your relationship.

Dr Tracie O’Keefe DCH, BHSc, ND is an individual, couples and family therapist. You can consult in the office or by Zoom from anywhere in the world.

Call our central booking for your FREE telephone consultation with Dr Tracie O’Keefe DCH. Phone 0403 398 808.